Hello there to those of you reading,

I just want you to know that I still exist, such as the case may be. There are as always shifts, cycles, and changes taking place. I am in the midst of some graduate school writing that is FINALLY starting to feel like it is mine, and not something some annoying teacher-megalomaniac told me to say. I’ve also been upheaved on many levels.

The more things change, the more I find I am settling into a “me” that is unlike anyone I’ve known me to be (and therefore, I’m overtaking and getting rid of some BAD habits, and starting newer, better ones). Dare I say I’m becoming more authentic?

I’ve started having some pretty awesome (and terrible) conversations with God. He’s told me some things about myself that are bigger than I’m ready to deal with, and some things that I need to stop think-speak-do-being. And then there are all the people around me who are telling me wonderful things about who they see me to be, and how I affect them, which lines up with what God has been telling me my whole life (but of course, we can only imagine how I listened… but that was before…)

‘Si Malakas at Si Maganda” by Rejeena Victoriana~saw both it and the artist at an artwalk  5/6/12 in San Marcos (this image does it no justice)

In the midst of this, life is happening… and art as well- in me, around me, etc. Sometimes it hits me immediately, and sometimes it takes a few days, but tends to be more powerful when it does. The above picture is what I will call a delayed ping (think active sonar, but for the artist’s soul). Without meaning to, Rejeena inspired some of my graduate work. Si Malakas at Si Maganda is the Philipino creation myth, which fits in my Pme/Qme-Authenticity Spectrum pretty well (you have to read my papers to better understand that, and I don’t want to post them here… this is where I wax Tiffanitious…lol). Suffice it to say that the split, strength, and beauty are pinging me to work on grad work. Right now I am exploring my subjective definition of authenticity and how that plays out in other definitions. It’s beautiful, boring, aggravating, strengthening stuff.

By A. Aviles while a passenger in my Red Blessedmobile

But then, that is what is my life right now. Some of it is unclear, some of it is crystal clear, some of it is stone solid, and some of it is flower fading. I just wanted to spend some time sharing that God is working in/on/through me, and “I am loving every moment, even the strain” (India Arie, Good Morning).

I also have a story coming about a painting someone did of me that took seven years to get to me. More coming soon…

Does this sound namby-pamby new agey or what?!

My ears rang, I had to fight to keep still, and meanwhile I am analyzing all the details around me; who’s sitting in what proximity to me, gonna have to wash my hands after I pet the dog, don’t know what I’m having for dinner, etc. One of my friend’s husband said that I was a torch for certain people. At one point I laughed and said, “torches don’t talk!” I want to have something to say. I always have something to say. I am a writer, words abound!

At some point though, I started to trust my friends with the lack of words. I don’t know where the conversation went, but it was still there. We were all communicating with God, and not with each other, and somehow simultaneously we were communicating with one another and strengthening our own friendship. It slowed us down, this silence. I slowed down and hated it at first (because I now realize I was scared of the unknown), but now I am considering this “new” kind of silence.

It is a form of patiently waiting for what needs to be said to come about.

This is happening in other areas of my life. I don’t “like” it. But I can, through this distillation, see God’s hand in it. The bible says, “be still, and know that I am God” (Psalms 46:10 NIV). I am starting now, at 34, to see how hard this actually is. But Alice Walker says in her book, The Temple of My Familiar, “blessed are those who know”.

I think I am starting to know.

Not only do I know phenomenologically. I know in my gnosis. This knowledge (or ‘gnowledge’) is within me and it lights me up whenever I acknowledge it. The light I am shining doesn’t always need words.

I am glad that I am exploring the power of my silence (in a good way).

Changed. My. Life.

And it wasn’t a very long conversation.

Still, because of this conversation, the very core understanding that I had of myself has changed. I wanted to make sure that I publicly thanked God for such a profound yet private transformation. Everything that I knew about who I was and how I fit in this world is so totally different.

Shakespeare said that Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bears with the remover to remove My Mom said Never stay where you’re not wanted I say love is an ocean. I say love is a sky, full of clouds, rain, snow, hail, sun, breezes, and air. I can’t breathe without it. But I would be a fool to underestimate it.

I‘m writing you from nags head north Carolina on top of a bright as grass green thermarest and sleeping bag and I totally hear ya tiff. This may not be helpful but I feel like that feeling never goes away. And why should it? “The world don’t owe me flowers even though I planted seeds.” I didn’t get my second wind until the WEEKEND before the thesis draft was due at packet 3. And there’s still an absence in my mind and I have created the least orthodox of masters thesis here. I’m taking an extension now to do the bike thing, which felt urgent and necessary on a conscious level I cant explain. Most of my work has come out of unexplainable feelings. I also don’t think that the path there has any indication as to the integrity of your work (so long as you don’t disrespect others in the process.) Months went by where I felt completely dazed from my work and legitimized in that somehow because the work was so so so ridiculously personal to me. To my body. A lot of people would probably say or thnk its stupid to throw yourself into a headwind like that but I think its not only important; its the only way in some senses.  This is your life and although Karen Campbell says, not your lifes work, its the here and now.  All I can suggest is SAVOR every second. Even if it sucks. Especially if it sucks. Do what terrifies you. Don’t be afraid to stray. Be brave enough to break your own heart. Keep going. Don’t dismiss silence as counterintuitive to your work. Something is incubating in there. Wait. But not impatiently or with expectations.  Fall off the bike ten times and still pick yourself up even if you have no idea where to go next. Keep standing. And if you can’t stand, do what I do and run.  Find ways to learn outside of your brain and trust yourself.  You have what it takes. This feeling is evidence. We do and will all witness it.

There is so much going on in this place that I have to thank God that He pointed me to it. I just wrote an annotation for Freeing the Natural Voice by Kristin Linklater talked about trusting the uncomfortable. My friend told me to trust this place almost a year before I truly to understand the brilliance of her statement.

“If you can learn to accept dizziness when it occurs, you will not be sick” (33). I feel this is a strong symbol of attempting something that is new and outside the realm of comfortably strange. “Though you may feel it, you will not fall down; you may feel you are about to fall but you will find you can embrace the state as a useful disorientation out of which you can explore a new use of yourself” (33).

This is my life right now. It’s my faith in God breaking me open like a planted seed to begin to root and bear fruit. It’s my poetry crying out of me like a hawk flying in the air calling freedom. It’s my new job. It’s my TLA practice becoming a living thing. It’s my faith in people being testing beyond where I know to breathe. It’s losing friends to their most wonderful destinies and having to stand on my own. I knew a lady that was writing a book in 1999, that had the working title, This Life is a Test. There is a “great conjunction” taking place (like I am a Gelfling, lol- yeah nerdle yourself and find that reference). I have to trust, “and stop leaning on my knowledge of things” Proverbs 3:5

I’m all over the place, but it’s coming together as it is needing to. I am realizing that I am not breathing right now. I am realizing that I am in deep, and I am not breathing, but I am not drowning. I was born for this, made wonderfully for this, and I had to let go of my own definition of myself and trust the new.

I understand now, that I am brave enough to break my own heart. I am not breaking it to kill it. I am breaking it so that it can finally be alive.

My thighs are beautiful and strong, but that’s NOT all that I have going on

See the way the hips slide nice, well, that ain’t all that should make you look twice

Sex appeal- got it.

Front and back too

But you don’t have my eyes or point of view

And if that’s all you want, I gotta move

I have the skills and desire to please, but there is so much more to me

My mouth is sensual and my tongue is strong, but I use it for conversation

Know what I can do

And do it well

But my sex is no longer for sale

I seek to celebrate all that makes me female

Not to be arrogant or proud, but I speak without talking, and I speak loud

You wanna piece of me, dripping and sweet, but I am a meal- not a taste of meat

I’ll no longer settle

I know I can wait

Because I want the soul to resound in my mate

And for him alone, my thighs were made to satiate

My things, my rise, my mouth, my crown

To God and then him will I happily bow down

–
“Well you know how it feels if you begin hoping for something that you want desperately badly; you almost fight against the hope…but it is no good trying to throttle this hope. It might- really, really, it just might be true. So many odd things had happened already.” -The Magician’s Nephew

I cleaned up my computer and found this old video clip.

This is from July of 2008. Only roughly four years ago… so far back, and yet, right on time with where I am mentally.

Well, in a way.

On that steamy day in Baltimore, I went to Artscape. I wasn’t there to walk around and sweat (though I did do that). I performed on the Mainstage with Mia Miata as a member of Alpha Rhythm, a local group. I gave supporting vocals to Mia Miata as she sang originals from her first release Mia Miata’s Urban Arias.

As it is now 2012, my perspective of what was going on really has shifted (DUH!).

My Uncle Jellybean (yes, I call him that) came to see me sing, but I have to say that this is one of my favorite clips. There are others. I uploaded one to YouTube to show off a brief solo. I am grateful that my uncle showed up, let alone recorded anything. I made sure I got him a backstage pass so he could come see and shoot away with his camera.

There was also a professional photographer there (which became its OWN chapter of my life — read on).

As we sat in the back room waiting to go on, I remember the photographer took a lot of photos (as did my Uncle). What I remember most was that I had a breath-stealing crush on that photographer. Not only was he attractive to me, he was talented as a photographer, and he knew how to talk without sounding like an idiot. I wanted to get to know him better. In true Tiffany style, I asked him about his prices for photography, and he said he was building his portfolio so maybe we could work something out. I made plans to go over to his studio that weekend.

We dated after that photo shoot for about a month, but I practically stalked him for about four because I thought he and I were meant to be. I forgave him for ‘breaking my heart’ after I finally got the message that we weren’t meant, but I have to take this moment and tell the truth.

Everything that happened was caused by my own myopia. I didn’t want to see anything outside of what I wanted. I wanted that man. Period. Now this man is not a bad man. But I have to admit to myself that I derailed myself artistically trying to be and have what I thought I wanted.

I could have gone with Mia Miata to a performance in Pennsylvania the night of the photo shoot, but I canceled with her at the last minute, just as the photos began. By the time the night was over, the photographer and I were taking photos together, one of which is a personal favorite. We just clicked somehow. I was a model. I was a coach. I was a guest in his house. I stayed way longer than I should have. I drank glass after glass of wine trying to impress him with my… who knows what.

Some day I am going to have to go through the arduous and embarrassing process of finding any and all photos that may be online. Some of those photos were quite beautiful, and some were suggestive to the point of crass. I was proud of my sensuality, but I had no clue what it was I was doing. I grossly misrepresented who I was, and I now wonder if I was sexually trafficking myself to people who didn’t even know they were buyers.

I have been humbled by this memory, and the turning point I now realize it turned out to be in my life – to God be the glory for all that He has done in changing and teaching me who *I* am. Still, I have to own the consequences of my choices. I am not ashamed of the past, but I am not about trying to act as if I don’t have one. Ruslan of theBREAX has an awesome lyric that says:

Learn from it
Turn from it
I know it’s permanent
I just don’t wanna burn from it

It makes me think of Crystal Lewis’ song, “What A Fool I’ve Been”.

The woman I am now is vastly different from the woman I was then, and yet we share the same skin. We feel the same cramps, and are annoyed by the same stiff joints after a long walk. And now I am going to try and pay it forward. I don’t want anyone to go down that wrong road. If I keep a young lady from hurting herself pretending to be what someone told her she was, then I don’t mind being a “don’t let this happen to you”.

@–}–}— I’d like to thank Ann Harding and Keke and David Buche for making this post possible, and for helping me laugh through hard lessons. Thank you for being such good Godly friends.

• My testimony (a fuller, though not full version)
• Articles about local artists, to include theBREAX, David Buche, John Aviles, and the ownder of Thrifty Threads in Vista (we’ve started the process, but they are no where from finished)
• Word of Faith inquiry and findings — this ties in to my studies at Goddard and my testimony so I am excited about it and also wanting to do a good job
• My fleshed out thoughts about the band that I am starting. So far I have a vocalist who has already written a song, but I need the instrumentalists and I need to have my head on straight about the leadership role that I am now taking on.

Silence is just another name for my rage. A metaphor for my state of being. They say it’s always the quiet ones, A tea kettle never allowed to steam. Explosive and emotive I must be. I could cut you down with my words And do, but you will never hear. Silence is just another name for my rage.

Blood is just another name for my rage. A metaphor for my angst and mood. They say it’s always the dark ones, The dog beaten until it bites. Ruthless and Insane I must be. I could cut you down with my knife, And do, just to myself imaging you. Blood is just another name for my rage.

Sex is just another name for my rage. A metaphor for my strength and determination. They say it’s always the seductive ones. An insecure woman teeming with false confidence. Loose and immoral I must be. I could cut you down with my stare, And do, you just cannot see it in the dim light. Sex is just another name for my rage.

Forgiveness is just another name for my rage. A metaphor for my kindness and nurturing. They say it’s always the soft ones. An idealist with a bleeding heart. Insecure and Naïve I must be. I could cut you down with my love, And do, you just have to accept it. Forgiveness is just another name for my rage.

Seddy Bear reading a letter from Seddy Bear

I am humbled and honored to affect, and be so affected.

A tiny bit of background -I just quit the job in Linthicum, Maryland, and I had just completed my first Graduate residency at Goddard, and I was unsure about some things, while amazingly sure about others. Anyway… the point is, I kept my promise to myself, and I feel victorious (or something). Anyway, WOOT!

On Tue, Aug 31, 2010 at 11:26 AM, Tiffany Monique wrote:

Heads up all o’ yall,

I have made the decision that I am taking the marketing job, and I am staying in Virginia while I am in graduate school. I don’t know what all will happen in that time, but I will be visiting California a lot more, and getting myself ready for the move back at that time.

Between now and then, I am going to work really hard to be a blessing to all in my life, and prepare my own artistic life for financial relevance and strength (go right livelihood!!). So here’s the deal… wherever you are in my life, you have to deal with me that way for the next two years. We will make it work. Performances, travel, school, and most important, church.

All of this to say thanks for being where you are, and who you are to me. God be praised in all of this because for the first time, I am doing a job that I WANT TO DO even though it is SO outside my comfort zone it ain’t even funny.

Kinda funny that even as I type this, “Art Is A Way of Knowing” popped up on my computer calendar.

Here we gooooo….

Blessings,

Tiffany

 

The Capitol behind me…

 

Dear Grace,

It is a truly dangerous thing to be in league with someone insecure. And if that insecure person is you, I recommend you stop moving (as much as you can) until you find that root and pull it out like a weed. This is a hard thing, but so worth it. It is not for you to change everyone you know into a confident and secure person, but you must understand that you cannot ever settle for a life of fear.

In the same sense, do not apologize for one gift that was given to you by the good Lord above. That is like being given a BMW and complaining because you were scoping a Hyundai.

People are going to dislike your beauty, talent, intellect, perspective, location, drive, etc.

People are going to hate the fact that you exist.

They talked about Jesus, and even He said that haters would be there always. He may not have said it that way, but He said it nonetheless. Imagine what it was like for Him, knowing that He was the only one to “get the joke”, and He was commissioned to open the door. He was confident in His message, and in Himself.

There is no greater gift or curse than being a confident person (at least that is the way it seems). And unfortunately, most of the people you encounter in your life will be insecure. It is this insecurity that drives them. The weird thing is, that insecurity can drive them to do some of the bravest things in their lives (NOT just the dumbest, though that happens often as well).

I pray you hear me, and understand how much power you have. Never give it away.

Love,

M