I finally got my Windows Live Mail Configured but I forgot to stop the download of all previous messages… guess it’s a good thing, because this poem popped up and asked to be revisited.
My Thighs
My thighs are beautiful and strong, but that’s NOT all that I have going on
See the way the hips slide nice, well, that ain’t all that should make you look twice
Sex appeal- got it.
Front and back too
But you don’t have my eyes or point of view
And if that’s all you want, I gotta move
I have the skills and desire to please, but there is so much more to me
My mouth is sensual and my tongue is strong, but I use it for conversation
Know what I can do
And do it well
But my sex is no longer for sale
I seek to celebrate all that makes me female
Not to be arrogant or proud, but I speak without talking, and I speak loud
You wanna piece of me, dripping and sweet, but I am a meal- not a taste of meat
I’ll no longer settle
I know I can wait
Because I want the soul to resound in my mate
And for him alone, my thighs were made to satiate
My things, my rise, my mouth, my crown
To God and then him will I happily bow down
–
“Well you know how it feels if you begin hoping for something that you want desperately badly; you almost fight against the hope…but it is no good trying to throttle this hope. It might- really, really, it just might be true. So many odd things had happened already.” -The Magician’s Nephew
I cleaned up my computer and found this old video clip.
This is from July of 2008. Only roughly four years ago… so far back, and yet, right on time with where I am mentally.
Well, in a way.
On that steamy day in Baltimore, I went to Artscape. I wasn’t there to walk around and sweat (though I did do that). I performed on the Mainstage with Mia Miata as a member of Alpha Rhythm, a local group. I gave supporting vocals to Mia Miata as she sang originals from her first release Mia Miata’s Urban Arias.
As it is now 2012, my perspective of what was going on really has shifted (DUH!).
My Uncle Jellybean (yes, I call him that) came to see me sing, but I have to say that this is one of my favorite clips. There are others. I uploaded one to YouTube to show off a brief solo. I am grateful that my uncle showed up, let alone recorded anything. I made sure I got him a backstage pass so he could come see and shoot away with his camera.
There was also a professional photographer there (which became its OWN chapter of my life — read on).
As we sat in the back room waiting to go on, I remember the photographer took a lot of photos (as did my Uncle). What I remember most was that I had a breath-stealing crush on that photographer. Not only was he attractive to me, he was talented as a photographer, and he knew how to talk without sounding like an idiot. I wanted to get to know him better. In true Tiffany style, I asked him about his prices for photography, and he said he was building his portfolio so maybe we could work something out. I made plans to go over to his studio that weekend.
We dated after that photo shoot for about a month, but I practically stalked him for about four because I thought he and I were meant to be. I forgave him for ‘breaking my heart’ after I finally got the message that we weren’t meant, but I have to take this moment and tell the truth.
Everything that happened was caused by my own myopia. I didn’t want to see anything outside of what I wanted. I wanted that man. Period. Now this man is not a bad man. But I have to admit to myself that I derailed myself artistically trying to be and have what I thought I wanted.
I could have gone with Mia Miata to a performance in Pennsylvania the night of the photo shoot, but I canceled with her at the last minute, just as the photos began. By the time the night was over, the photographer and I were taking photos together, one of which is a personal favorite. We just clicked somehow. I was a model. I was a coach. I was a guest in his house. I stayed way longer than I should have. I drank glass after glass of wine trying to impress him with my… who knows what.
Some day I am going to have to go through the arduous and embarrassing process of finding any and all photos that may be online. Some of those photos were quite beautiful, and some were suggestive to the point of crass. I was proud of my sensuality, but I had no clue what it was I was doing. I grossly misrepresented who I was, and I now wonder if I was sexually trafficking myself to people who didn’t even know they were buyers.
I have been humbled by this memory, and the turning point I now realize it turned out to be in my life – to God be the glory for all that He has done in changing and teaching me who *I* am. Still, I have to own the consequences of my choices. I am not ashamed of the past, but I am not about trying to act as if I don’t have one. Ruslan of theBREAX has an awesome lyric that says:
Learn from it Turn from it I know it’s permanent I just don’t wanna burn from it
It makes me think of Crystal Lewis’ song, “What A Fool I’ve Been”.
The woman I am now is vastly different from the woman I was then, and yet we share the same skin. We feel the same cramps, and are annoyed by the same stiff joints after a long walk. And now I am going to try and pay it forward. I don’t want anyone to go down that wrong road. If I keep a young lady from hurting herself pretending to be what someone told her she was, then I don’t mind being a “don’t let this happen to you”.
@–}–}— I’d like to thank Ann Harding and Keke and David Buche for making this post possible, and for helping me laugh through hard lessons. Thank you for being such good Godly friends.
I have a lot of things I have been meaning to write about lately. I haven’t even really gotten into my journal writing, though for a few weeks it was fast and furious personal scripting. I read my friends blogs and posts, and I can’t even say I’m jealous because I think I am too apathetic internally.
So this blog post is about breaking out of that. I needed to put a save point on my life so that I could refer back to it. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m spending all my time in bed, though it feels like it sometimes. My work schedule shifts once or twice a month, and I don’t mind it, but now they’ve got me working Sunday mornings because no one else can, and I am the lowest on the seniority totem. I am missing Sunday morning church, which is like having a dull pencil of a life… there’s just NO POINT. I am not mad because I know it is a temporary thing, but I DO NOT like it.
Looking on the positive, there is a group that comes in and sings, so I get an opportunity to worship (sort of). I can’t sing loudly and get lost in a crowd, but I am at least able to sing hymns if I am quiet and don’t bring too much attention to myself. The songs are lovely too, so that’s always a plus.
On a somewhat related note, a while back I applied for a job where the group asked me to write my testimony on four lines of text. How is that even allowed? If you ask someone for their testimony, at least someone like me, I NEED SOME ROOM! I’ve been through some stuff — mostly self inflicted stupidity, and I don’t know why I am NOT dead outside of the grace of an all-powerful God. I should have written that down in those measly little lines. I wrote something contrived and cold, and it’s no wonder I didn’t get the job. But that is not to say that I don’t have the job I need to have right now.
So here are the things I mean to write about in the next month
My testimony (a fuller, though not full version)
Articles about local artists, to include theBREAX, David Buche, John Aviles, and the ownder of Thrifty Threads in Vista (we’ve started the process, but they are no where from finished)
Word of Faith inquiry and findings — this ties in to my studies at Goddard and my testimony so I am excited about it and also wanting to do a good job
My fleshed out thoughts about the band that I am starting. So far I have a vocalist who has already written a song, but I need the instrumentalists and I need to have my head on straight about the leadership role that I am now taking on.
So that’s where I am now. Graduate school is another 16 weeks of thinking and writing on top of these other things, but in that I am not afraid. I am going to do the work, and when it is done, I am going to do more work. I’ll check back in July and see how much of this I actually got done.
